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You’ve Got Male

Ever wanted to know what men really think about when it comes to sex, anniversaries and more? Me either. But in the interests of research, I asked my Male Panel a few pertinent questions....

Question: Why can my husband remember every line from Star Wars, but can’t remember our anniversary date?

Steve: We have brains that are wired to remember the unimportant at the expense of information we need. I can remember lines from movies I saw as a kid but can’t remember my girlfriend’s cellphone number (so if I ever lose my phone I have no idea how I will contact her). It’s nothing personal. Chances are we don’t remember any ex-girlfriend’s birthday either. Isn’t it better that way? Or would you rather run the risk of us getting the two confused and buying you flowers for an ex’s birthday?
And if your husband remembers Star Wars lines, it may also be due to the fact that he is a geek. It’s not a bad thing, unless you find that he, er, handles his light saber while watching Princess Leah

Joe: The hard work was done in getting you to marry him. Since the wedding, we slow down (just like your metabolism) and don't have to do as much to get you into bed anymore. Remembering the date is no longer important, because there probably is a big rugby or cricket match that day anyway.

Carl: Are you actually trying to compare the intergalactic importance of Star Wars to something as mundane as a wedding anniversary? Seriously? If it bothers you that much, try dressing up as Princess Leia or Padmé. He will appreciate the effort and you might just bring out the Gundark in him. If, however, you’d look better in a wookiee costume then I think you’ve just answered your own question.

Peter: Don’t worry about this too much. Different husbands remember different movies. Maybe look for a man who remembers every line of THE RUNAWAY BRIDE or MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING, though if that’s his best movie of all time he might be gay – in which case he WILL remember your anniversary with flowers and dinners and all that stuff. (Sure, what you win on the swings you lose on the roundabouts.) Perhaps you need to find a man whose favourite movie has a date in it, like FIRST MONDAY IN OCTOBER, or BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY, for example - and marry him on that day, hoping he’ll make the connection. Problem is, though, that the wiring in men’s hard drives is very very simple. Be thankful that all he really wants is food and love, like a dog. Dogs don’t remember anniversaries. I rest my case.

Question: Do you really think about sex as much as the magazines say you do?

Steve: Which magazines are you referring to? The ones with the girls in skimpy lingerie on the cover? Or the ones with swimsuits models from start to finish? How about ones where scantily clad women pose with iPads? Or ones where that girl from Boksburg lies spread eagle on the cover because it’s a good career move? Wait. What was the question again? I got distracted. I need to go buy some magazines.

Joe: Yes, definitely. The more sex you can give him, the better it will be for both of you. An added advantage is that the best time to have that "serious" conversation is after early morning sex. Trust me, he'll pay attention during breakfast after his passions are spent. Make him a cheese omelette.

Carl: What magazines would those be? No doubt women’s magazines devoted to the most trivial of things like horoscopes, décor, emotional balance and tips on cooking. Not exactly brimming with scientific facts contributed by academics are they? How can they possibly know how often men think about sex? Stop reading that rubbish immediately and upgrade to Hustler magazine. You’ll think about sex more often and he will applaud your adventurous spirit.

Peter: Duh-uh. Depends on the magazine. If it’s Farmers Weekly, yes. If it’s Hustler or even Sports Illustrated Swimwear Edition, no. Okay, seriously. You girls all tell us that we can’t multi-task. You’re right. We can’t. (See first question, above.) So PLEASE just let us spend the whole weekend watching rugby and we won’t think of sex once. Except when the Blue Bulls Babes come on…

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