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Weight A Second

WHY (I ask you with tears in my eyes) is it so hard for men to understand the concept of Fat Pants? After trying for at least half an hour to explain the concept to Stephen this weekend, he still looked at me with a completely blank expression that made me wonder if I might be losing my marbles.


There I was, trying desperately to get ready for a friend's party on Sunday when I realised to my absolute HORROR that my pants were way too tight and made my bum look like something in the "before" picture of a weight loss ad. The worst part was that they fit perfectly the night before! The day was completely ruined!

"What's wrong?" asked Stephen on walking into the room and seeing me surrounded by every pair of trousers I had ever owned in my entire life. "Why aren't you ready?"

 "I'm fat!" I managed through my tears. "Nothing fits anymore ..."


"But you've just lost three kilograms?" he asked, a little confused. "You're looking gorgeous!"

"I'm NOT!" I vehemently stated, "I look awful and I have absolutely nothing to wear!"

 "Well, what about these pants?" Stephen attempted, holding up the offensive grey pants that had started it all in the first place.

 "They don't FIT!" I spat, grabbing the pants and throwing them on the floor, only just refraining from jumping on them.

 "But you wore them last night and you looked amazing?" he said.

 "Well, that was BEFORE ....!" I sulked.

 "Before ..... what?" he asked.

 "Before the Baklava!" I explained in the tone one uses on a two-year old that keeps asking why the sky doesn't fall on our heads.

 "The one you had last night at the party?" he asked incredulously. "You had two pieces!"

 "One piece, actually. And half a slice of cheesecake," I clarified. "But it doesn't matter - it still made me fat!" 

 "I don't understand ..." my man sighed helplessly. "I think you look beautiful ...."

 "Well, I'm not!" I huffed. "I am chubby and fat and I have nothing to wear!"


I mean, how difficult a concept is this? Any woman will know that something she wore yesterday that looked good, can look totally revolting a mere twenty-four hours later! She will also know that there is absolutely NO WAY she can choose what she is going to wear the next day, because she has no idea whether she will be fat or thin the next morning ...

 It makes perfect sense.

 Men, on the other hand, can put on pants that they last wore when they were still at school, and stare at themselves in the mirror, seemingly blissfully unaware that their rear end is bulging dangerously near the seams ...

 "These still fit me!" they will trill happily while running a hand lovingly over their beer boep. "I can't believe I am still the same weight I was ten years ago!"

 And they will go out, pants bulging, beer bellies drooping over their belts, totally confident that they are the most gorgeous specimen that ever walked this earth.


Their wives, on the other hand, will compare themselves to every woman they come across, before deciding that they are indeed ... fat.

Sigh. It is just. not. fair.

Anyway, the story DOES have a happy-ish ending. I found a gorgeous flowy skirt to wear to the party, and after two glasses of wine, I really didn't care that much about the size of my bum! Which JUST goes to show that whining doesn't help much, but wining definitely does!

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