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Thoughts from The Male Panel

From spicing things up in your lovelife to what really puts a bee in their bonnet, the Male Panel gives us their thoughts on life, love and everything else. 

Question 1: I have just started seeing a guy I REALLY like - and although I can really see a future with him, our sex life to date (four months) has been a little ... boring. I am very attracted to him, but think we need to spice things up! What can I do to liven things up without hurting his feelings? 

Peter: Look, this is a silly question. Are you 18? Is he 60? Are you both 85? I can’t give you advice unless I can picture the two of you. You can send some polaroids of the two of you to me c/o Femail, in a plain brown wrapper, and THEN I can advise you. For now, I’m going to have to trot out the usual hackneyed stuff about nurse’s uniform, Superman outfit, yada yada, all of which is going to feel silly when he’s had his 30 unilateral seconds of mildly boring sex life and there you are in your nun’s habit and he in his Rocky Horror drag playing some post-coital Scrabble and the vicar comes to call, isn’t it? So, assuming you’re NOT in fact both 138 years old, and I can’t tell you to buy my latest publication, “1001 Sexy Things To Do With A Zimmer Frame”, I’d suggest you come round to my place (on your own) for a bit of personal counselling... (If you’re about 25, blonde, blue eyes, big boombaloombas, you know, the usual.)

Joe: Try not to come across as someone who has too much experience - that may scare the wimp off completely. "Learn" with him. Hire Basic Instinct or some other questionable movie that still has a storyline. If nothing happens, marry him and get a dildo.

Shaun: Columnists and psychologists around the globe have answered this question many times before; using complex theories; quoting case studies and discussing emotion in the most minute detail. I can answer in three words: bring a friend.

Colin: If it hurts his feelings, tell him to man up and do you like you deserve to be done. It's sex, not a play date.

Question 2: What three things frustrate you most about women? 

Peter: Am I only allowed three? This question is about as futile as the other one. Okay, okay, kidding. I can boil it down to one. Female logic. It catches me every time, every which way, everyhow. I am utterly powerless against it.

1. You can no longer just hit the one you like over the head with a thigh bone and drag her to your cave. Women frown on that nowadays.

2. Why do we have to make the first move all the time? I'm sitting here, just like you. Get off your ass and come pick me up!

3. You can never have male friends. None of them are just friends. I'm not your friend. I'm only here to get freaky with you. Why don't you realise that and let's just get on with it.

1. This need to discuss emotions and stuff. I have as much depth as Malema has current creditworthiness. There is no need to chat about feelings.

2. Time wasting. If we're going to gym I really don't think it matters what you look like. Besides, there is a good chance that someone who looks like he ate the Titanic will draw the most attention (as well as having an effect on tides).

3. This ties into point one, but if I say I am hungry, it means I am hungry. I am not plotting to sleep with your sister, hiding a secret identity or planning a wild weekend in Vegas. There is no subtext. No hidden message. No need to discuss "what's really on my mind."

1. They only have two boobs. 

2. Their mouths - they talk a lot! 

3. Whats with all the emotional drama? 


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