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The Toddler Miracle Diet

Throw away all those diet books people, the new Toddler Miracle Diet will help you lose the weight. And all your marbles.

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Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this brand new diet that I recently discovered on the Internet.

NOTE: You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with strawberry jam. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jam over your face and clothes.

Lunch:
Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner:
A dry stick, two five rand coins and four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack:
Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack:
Lick a sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Oros over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some litchi Liquifruit. Try to laugh some juice through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Oros and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED UNTIL GOAL WEIGHT IS REACHED!

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