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Signs You Are Getting Old

I'm not sure if having an 8 month old baby has made me feel older or just LOOK older, but there are definitely a few more wrinkles than there were this time last year. I also get overwhelmingly excited at the prospect of an early night with my book - as opposed to spending a night out on the town with friends. Sad, isn't it?

If, like me, you feel the years are catching up with you, here are a few helpful checklists to help you REALLY feel your age!


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 6 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Musical recliners.
10. Spin the bottle of Eno.


1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The sleeping pill dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you just four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.


"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means not taking any fibre today.
"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.


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