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Male Panel - Women Explained

Our male panel gives us the 411 on women (this should be good!)


Question 1:  What makes a woman high maintenance?

Peter: This is a trick question, right? Whatever I say will be wrong. Actually, it boils down to one word : hormones. Here’s a true story. At supper one night my wife said “Do you want custard or cream with your pudding?” Me : “I don’t mind.” Wife : “No, choose.” Me : “Honestly I don’t mind.” Wife : “CHOOSE. Custard or cream?” Me : “Oh, all right, custard.” Wife : “You can’t have the custard. That’s for the children. You must have the cream.” How the f*** can we win?

Steve: We men are simple creatures. Some would say we are Neanderthals, but I prefer to think of it as being uncomplicated. Like 80s computer screens we operate in black and white. If I say “I am stuck in traffic’” it literally means that I am stuck in traffic. It doesn’t mean I am trying to find ways to spend less time with you by dreaming up weak excuses as to why I didn’t arrive precisely on time. It doesn’t mean that I have been having an orgy the Romans would be proud of but lost track of time while being spanked by a 7-foot man in a gimp suit.

It more than likely means the traffic is bad and I might not arrive on time. Constantly needing to reassure you that we are telling the truth is what defines high-maintenance.

As does the study quoted in the question number two.

Joe: If she demands that the man's every waking moment be spent with her. Give the guy some space. He is a peacock, let him fly.

2. A recent study showed that 80% of women love the idea of a surprise weekend away, yet they need at least a week’s notice to plan. Go.

Peter: A week? You’ve got to be kidding! My Beloved needs a few months. Not because she needs to buy clothes and pack repack and re-repack, and then I need to get the OTHER suitcase down from the attic, and then she decides on the pink case in the toolshed because it’s bigger, so she can fit more rocks in to bring home again – yes, she collects rocks. Don’t ask. No, none of that. It’s because she needs to go through the Tupperwares in the pantry – rice, flour, pasta etc – and look under all the carpets and go through all the files and take each book out of the bookcase, and turf out the dainty baskets of tampons for the girls in the bathrooms, and look through the towels. This is all in preparation for a surprise weekend. But you girls understand, don’t you? Because you can’t remember where you hid your passport last time either, can you?

Steve: Ah, the old “lets plan to be spontaneous” chestnut. I think the idea is driven by “chick-flicks” where a dashing young lad whisks the object of his affection off to a romantic destination. The reality is that nobody wants to go to a holiday destination and not be prepared. You’ve packed a bikini, he’s booked a cabin in a cold forest. Who wants that? Also, can you guarantee that your husband/boyfriend/lover plans to go to a resort where nipple clamps ands riding crops form part of the on-site activities?  As a rule of thumb, any multi-day trip should be planned by both parties in advance. If you book a trip to Cape Town and he decides to surprise you with a candle-lit picnic on the beach, all the better.

Though he may have neglected to check for high tide. You  might want to keep an eye on that. And wear gumboots just in case.

Joe: I would love to give her a weekend away - but do I have to go with?


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