Subscribe to Femail updates (It's like getting an email from your best friend!)

Insight Into The Male Mind

Ever wondered what your other half thinks about when he's staring into space? Or why burping, farting and adjusting his man-bits is acceptable in your presence? This week our male panel gives us the answer to life, the universere and everything else. 

Question 1: When a woman asks you what you are thinking about, what is your standard response?

Joe: If I say "work" it means I'm thinking about the sweet piece of ass sitting behind you at the next table. If I say "nothing" it means that I'm hoping you didn't catch me drooling at the long toned legs going up the escalator. If I say something like thinking about you, you just caught me wondering what it would be like you have you and your best friend in a scene from 50 Shades of Grey. That last one isn't lying, I was thinking about you...

Peter: There are a few standard responses, such as “Oh, this and that, nothing important...” or “No, nothing much, why?” or “I was just pondering why Morne Steyn didn’t go for goal when he had the chance last year in the third match of the season...” or stuff like that. All of which means “It’s got bugger all to do with you, dear heart.” What REALLY puzzles me, though, is how she ALWAYS comes up with a question like that when I just HAPPEN to be imagining Keira Knightley in the moonlight, dropping her satin negligee to the floor and hungrily pushing me down on to the bed...

Colin: Boobs. There's nothing that keeps a male brain as occupied as boobs.

Steve: She's just surprised that I'm thinking at all! I usually make something up but keep it trivial. "Oh, just remembered that I was meant to email a client a document." Having such answers is important. You can't blurt out, "I was thinking about the lapdance I got from the toothless stripper in 2003."

Question 2: What's with the belching, farting and self-adjustment? What happened to keeping the romance alive?

Joe: You're looking at it the wrong way. It's not a bad thing. You should be very happy that we're so comfortable with you around that we can do anything in front of you. Smile when it happens. He loves you. Be warned that we don't support equal right in this regard. You are, under no circumstances, to stop being a "lady". Your burps and farts are not welcome. Your self-adjustment is encouraged though.

Peter: Okay, true story. During my first marriage, more than thirty years ago, I NEVER farted in front of my wife. This led to all kinds of intestinal complications, and probably contributed to my chronic diverticulosis over many decades. The marriage didn’t last DESPITE never farting and scratching my cobblers and stuff. When my second wife was pregnant with our first child, she couldn’t help farting, often at very inopportune moments. I took that as my cue. It’s been a happy, if occasionally stinky, marriage bed. So, ladies, put THAT in your pipe and – no, wait, just lift the duvet a moment, there’s a girl...

Colin: Take it as a compliment that your man feels comfortable enough to share these wonderful experiences with you. Get involved, scratch away! And even give him a score out of 10 for good performances.

Steve: Romance is for movies, like Titantic, and look how that turned out. In those sweeping, epic tales of romance we only see characters when they look their best. Rhett Butler never burped in Gone With The Wind. I doubt James Dean ever scratched his scrotum on screen. But here's the
thing - even Brad Pitt and George Clooney fart. We just never see that happen on screen.



Share this article :

Go on, say something!