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Hard (But Hilarious) Truths

Once again we asked our male panel to enlighten us about the femail brain. 


Question 1: If you were caught in a fire and had to choose between saving your wedding album/personal photographs and the new TV, what would you choose?

Joe: I should say the photos, but I never look at them anyway. The new TV would be better to save, or we'll have to buy another one. The effect of her looking at old photos is nothing compared to when she watches Tom Cruise. If Tom and Matthew McConnasomething turns her on, I'll be there to reap the benefits. TV it is!

Steve: I know what you’re expecting me to say but I would probably grab the photos – or hard drive they are backed up on. Besides, a house fire is a great way to get the insurance company to upgrade your TV.

Peter: We’ve got a wedding album? No but seriously, I know it’s somewhere in the house, um… in the garage? My beloved hides a lot of stuff under the bed, for some reason – just like she used to hide her rhubarb when she was a kid. I suspect she’d metaphorically be hiding our marriage under the bed too, because it sure ain’t IN the bed anymore. But I digress. And as for the TV, if it weren’t for the rugby I wouldn’t know where it was. I think I’d look for my Kindle – if you’ll pardon the unplanned pun while we talk fires. That and my letter from Spike Milligan.

Question 2

What are your standard responses to five of the toughest questions asked by women? 

What are you thinking about?

Joe: "Work." (Sex, last night's sex, or how I can get sex again.)

Steve: There is no standard answer so it’s best to use your surrounds to make up an answer. She is not going to buy into the fact that you are merely eating your hamburger with no thoughts running through your head. Replies of, “Is that painting skew” or “Should we get a DVD for tonight?” are safe bets. Be careful with your improvised answers though. The last thing you want to do is blurt out “We should have a baby” or “Your sister looks good in a bikini.”

Do you love me?

Joe: Of course, more than ever!"

Steve: You have two answers here. You can either respond with, “Of course I love you.” If you have time to kill and want a long discussion you could reply, “Why do you ask”?

Do I look fat?

Joe: "You look lovely" (said with smiling eyes).

Steve: “No way! I thought you’d actually lost weight.”

You have to be careful with this one. Sometimes it backfires with a reply of, “But I wasn’t on diet. Did I look fat before?”

Do you think she is prettier than me?

Joe: "She's very pretty, but you're the one I want to be with."

Steve: Even if the woman in question is Elle Macpherson you have to say, “No. She looks a bit man-ish.”

What would you do if I died?

Joe: "I'll be devastated. Don't leave me." (Now change the subject quickly, before you mention

Steve: This is an uncomfortable question so a pre-programmed response is necessary. Be dramatic but not too over the top. “I’d be lost with out you” is good. “I’d fall to pieces and end up a heroin junkie” may earn you a few sessions of psychotherapy.

Peter: These are all trick questions. Whatever a man says is always wrong. The only really safe response to any such question is a smile and a sort of glazed middle distance slow quizzical “Why do you even bother to ask?” shake of the head. You’ll still be in shit. But at least you can’t be quoted in the next battle.


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