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Big Announcement - We Are Becoming Amish!

Stephen and I have come up with THE most brilliant idea - we are going to become Amish! We have decided to leave the stresses and strains of city life behind us and live off the land instead. It's going to be fantastic.

Look, to be fair, we have always longed to live in France - so it's probably more accurate to say that we will become French Amish (or "Farmish" as we like to call it). And instead of living on a farm, we will live on a wine farm (wine being very biblical seeing as though Jesus changed water into wine at a wedding.) We shall spend our days in the sunshine, bringing in the (wine) harvest and helping fellow Farmish members raise (wine) barns - or vats, or something. A much healthier lifestyle, don't you think?

Obviously, there will be none of this "getting up at sunrise" malarky. Mostly because we won't have cows to milk. And also because I don't want to. And Shopping Malls shall not be prohibited, because where else will Farmish wives go when they are cross with their husbands?

ALL produce shall be strictly organic, and we shall all have our own veggie gardens. The children will be home schooled (by the French equivalent of DSTV - the History Channel, National Geographic, Sky News and the cooking shows should just about do it) before being allowed to run free through the fields and play for the remainder of the afternoon. While their mothers road-test the wine harvest.

The men will drive tractors, make furniture and do other farmy things that men should so. Occasionally they might have to go and work in The City to bring in money to pay for additional Farmish essentials (such as organic skincare products, French antiques and anything else their wives might fancy). They shall do so with a smile on their face (it is strictly verboten to complain if you are Amish. Or Farmish. Or a man.)

And the clothing? Well it's highly impractical to wear long dresses and white aprons on a wine farm but the traditional black, blue and white will be adhered to where possible. (Let's face it, I DO look good in navy.) The men shall wear dark colored trousers, suspenders will be optional and mustaches and Crocs will be frowned upon.

As with the more traditional Amish communities, certain types of music will be forbidden (anything by Justin Bieber and you shall be shunned). However, electricity will be allowed (one must think of the children's TV education and not selfishly opt for lanterns.)

All in all, it promises to be a far more wholesome and healthy lifestyle, and I cannot wait to make the move!

Applications to join the Farmish community are now open!*

* Applications to be accompanied by wine, your banking details and PIN number.

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